September 30th

September 30th will always be a tough day for our family.  On that date in 2013, my sister's husband died of a massive heart attack.  He was 49 years old.  Some of you know my sister, Tammy.  Like most of our family, she is a school person. At the time of Jim's death, Tammy was principal at McGary Middle School in Evansville, Indiana.  Her four kids were ages 23, 20, 13 and 6.  As Tammy said just the other day in a gross understatement, "It sucks."

And it does.  But with humor and grace and toughness and an impressive repertoire of swear words, my sister keeps moving forward.  She just gets up every single day and keeps going, even when all she wants to do is hide inside Jim's oversized Packers jersey and bury her head under the pillow.  Watching Tammy navigate this grief, I have learned so much about the kind of person I want to be, and I have also learned something important about leadership.  In remembrance of Jim and in honor of my sister's strength, I wanted to write about it today.

Here's the thing.  Tammy has not survived by denying the pain or acting like everything is okay.  She has talked about it and written about it and let people in.  Not long after Jim's death, in Tammy's weekly newsletter to her teachers, she wrote about how she was feeling and helped the staff understand what she needed from them and what they could expect from her.  She was real with them.  She let them see her at her weakest point, and what guts and strength it took.

For me, the lesson here is that it is okay to let those you lead see who you are--to let them see your heart.  It can bridge divides and build community and remind us that we are all human.  For teachers, sharing your heart with students is just as powerful.  Our students need us to be strong and steady for them, but strength and emotion are not mutually exclusive.  Showing students how we manage our own emotions and find ways to keep moving forward is a powerful model for their own lives.

So today, I will share with you that I am sad about my brother-in-law, Jim Dexter, even though it is hard and scary to share something so personal.  Today, my heart and mind are with Tammy, Elizabeth, Everett, Jordan and Jake.  My thoughts are with Jim's mother and his brothers and sisters, who remind me so much of our own family.  Today, my parents, my brother and I will all call Tammy and check on her, and we will swallow the lump in our throats and try not to cry.  Like my sweet, sassy, strong sister, Tammy LaGrange Dexter, we will keep moving forward. That's what she taught us to do.